please pray for my marriage

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Permalink Reply by ChinaMom on May 8, 2009 at 12:01pm

Hi Amanda,

I am so sorry to read about your struggles, and I am praying for you. As a young wife myself (I'm also expecting my second child, having been married only two years), I don't feel that I have the experience to give you much counsel--except to look unto Jesus! He sees the hurt in your heart, and his grace is sufficient even for your situation (II Cor. 12:9-10, my life verses). Stay in the Word, meditate on it, pray it back to Him, and try to sing His praises throughout your day (even if it is through tears!)

One resource I would recommend is the book Created to Be His Help Mate by Debi Pearl. I have read most of it, and though I have a few cautions about some of the Pearls' teachings (which I won't go into now for lack of time), her message tends to be very straightforward and biblical with lots of practical helps for women in situations like yours--or any wife, for that matter!

Again, I'm praying for you and look forward to hearing how God works.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa Ringstaff on May 8, 2009 at 4:22pm

Amanda, I don't have a perfect answer for you. I understand exactly how you feel. And I can imagine what you are going through. (I went through a lot of those things with my first husband.) Anyway, all I know is that the hurt is not going to go away as long as you are not forgiving him. This is easier said than done, but you have to give this to Jesus. I mean really give it to him.

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Maybe you could rent it and watch it with your husband and/ or event purchase the book The Love Dare. I have not had a chance to look at the book yet but I have heard good things about it.

Let the past go. I know it is hard and that you want answers, but the fact is that it happened and there is nothing you or he can do to change that. Chalk it up to "B.C" (Before Christ) and forgive him.

Prayer is your best defense. I can't stress that enough. Pray. Not just whining to God. Not just asking God to change your husband. Get down on your knees, fall down on your face if you need to, and cry out to God. He knows the burdens on your heart and will help you and comfort you. Pray that God will do a mighty work in your husband as well as yourself. That the Holy Spirit will be present in your home and hearts. Find several times during the day to do this.

Then evaluate your life - decide what is really important. Write down what you like and what you wish you could change (and don't write down that you wish your husband would change because that is not within your power to change - only God can do that.) Write down those things that first attracted you to your husband in the first place and then write down all the things that he does that you appreciate or love - even small things like he takes out the trash or he is good with the kids or he goes to church with me. And then find every opportunity to gush over him and praise him.

Make a point to make love to him - even if you don't feel like it. Try to make it better for yourself. Get yourself ready and in the mood - i.e. take a bath, light candles, buy some lacy under things, etc. Find ways to please him even when you don't feel like it. I think if you put the effort forth, you will find you enjoy it more. And if you can, tell him what you wish he would do for you as far as touching, kissing, etc. But maybe you should start with you just going all out to please him - blow him away with some bedtime fun. I know you are pregnant, but if he loves you - he will love whatever you do in that department - no matter how you feel you look, etc.

You might even try writing him a love letter. Be sure not to criticize him, just write from your heart and color a heart on the front and leave it on his desk or some other place he might find it when he is alone.

If you are struggling with household chores, work to do better and have the house neat when he comes home and good food for him to eat. You might want to read the Spring Clean Challenge e-book Spring Cleaning for the Heart and Home. Or even the From Chaos to Calm series here on A Virtuous Woman.

One of my prayers this year has been that God would give me a "meek and quiet spirit." Some people who know me might laugh because I would seem that way already to most people - but I am trying to find a deeper meaning in it. And I want to be at the place in my life where Jesus is so clear to me that nothing causes me to raise my voice and feel offended. And that Jesus will be so clear to me that people see him in everything I do and say or even just from being in the same room with me. I know I am not there yet, but I want a humble, meek, and quiet spirit. I want my life to be a reflection of His - I want to be consecrated in him. I want to live a holy life. Pray that for yourself. And read 1 Peter 3. It says that a husband can be converted simply by the loving way his wife speaks to him. There is power in that promise. Hold it close to your heart. And ask God to remove any sin in your life that is standing in the way.

God bless you Amanda. Do not despair! We have this hope.

Melissa Ringstaff

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Permalink Reply by Amber on May 8, 2009 at 6:08pm

Wow! I could not think of anything else to add that would help you more than these brilliant words of wisdom. Melissa is right on about everything and while none of us has the perfect answer, this is pretty close to the mark. I'll be praying for you. Love, hope and serenity to you.

Melissa Ringstaff said:

Amanda, I don't have a perfect answer for you. I understand exactly how you feel. And I can imagine what you are going through. (I went through a lot of those things with my first husband.) Anyway, all I know is that the hurt is not going to go away as long as you are not forgiving him. This is easier said than done, but you have to give this to Jesus. I mean really give it to him.

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Maybe you could rent it and watch it with your husband and/ or event purchase the book The Love Dare. I have not had a chance to look at the book yet but I have heard good things about it.

Let the past go. I know it is hard and that you want answers, but the fact is that it happened and there is nothing you or he can do to change that. Chalk it up to "B.C" (Before Christ) and forgive him.

Prayer is your best defense. I can't stress that enough. Pray. Not just whining to God. Not just asking God to change your husband. Get down on your knees, fall down on your face if you need to, and cry out to God. He knows the burdens on your heart and will help you and comfort you. Pray that God will do a mighty work in your husband as well as yourself. That the Holy Spirit will be present in your home and hearts. Find several times during the day to do this.

Then evaluate your life - decide what is really important. Write down what you like and what you wish you could change (and don't write down that you wish your husband would change because that is not within your power to change - only God can do that.) Write down those things that first attracted you to your husband in the first place and then write down all the things that he does that you appreciate or love - even small things like he takes out the trash or he is good with the kids or he goes to church with me. And then find every opportunity to gush over him and praise him.

Make a point to make love to him - even if you don't feel like it. Try to make it better for yourself. Get yourself ready and in the mood - i.e. take a bath, light candles, buy some lacy under things, etc. Find ways to please him even when you don't feel like it. I think if you put the effort forth, you will find you enjoy it more. And if you can, tell him what you wish he would do for you as far as touching, kissing, etc. But maybe you should start with you just going all out to please him - blow him away with some bedtime fun. I know you are pregnant, but if he loves you - he will love whatever you do in that department - no matter how you feel you look, etc.

You might even try writing him a love letter. Be sure not to criticize him, just write from your heart and color a heart on the front and leave it on his desk or some other place he might find it when he is alone.

If you are struggling with household chores, work to do better and have the house neat when he comes home and good food for him to eat. You might want to read the Spring Clean Challenge e-book Spring Cleaning for the Heart and Home. Or even the From Chaos to Calm series here on A Virtuous Woman.

One of my prayers this year has been that God would give me a "meek and quiet spirit." Some people who know me might laugh because I would seem that way already to most people - but I am trying to find a deeper meaning in it. And I want to be at the place in my life where Jesus is so clear to me that nothing causes me to raise my voice and feel offended. And that Jesus will be so clear to me that people see him in everything I do and say or even just from being in the same room with me. I know I am not there yet, but I want a humble, meek, and quiet spirit. I want my life to be a reflection of His - I want to be consecrated in him. I want to live a holy life. Pray that for yourself. And read 1 Peter 3. It says that a husband can be converted simply by the loving way his wife speaks to him. There is power in that promise. Hold it close to your heart. And ask God to remove any sin in your life that is standing in the way.

God bless you Amanda. Do not despair! We have this hope.

Melissa Ringstaff

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Permalink Reply by Heather on May 8, 2009 at 10:13pm

Hi Amanda,

I have experienced some of what you describe here - things he's done and things you've felt. Melissa's suggestion of Fireproof is right on. It has helped me so much - and countless other couples. Go to http://www.fireproofthemovie.com
and
http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com
Both sites will be incredibly helpful. I also agree with the suggestion of The Love Dare. I sell the book and I have read it. It is amazing. It seems like just a prop in the movie, but other than inviting Jesus into your marriage, it is a prop every marriage should have. It's a 40-day challenge (mirroring the many instances of 40 in the Bible). On each day, there are Scripture passages and a 1-2 page summary about one aspect of love. Then there is a dare -something you actually do. It's important to have a concrete action to complete to put the day's love aspect into practice. After that, there is space in the book to write your thoughts, feelings, his reactions, etc. If he is game, I would suggest getting two copies of the book and taking the dare together. Even if he's not game, then you should still get the book and work the dare on him (the surprise is that it's you that's doing the changing!). He doesn't even have to know you're doing it. However, if you truly commit to it, he will notice some changes.

One of the things mentioned in the book is that love is a verb NOT a noun. You have to make a choice to love each and every day. Then you have to do something about it. Love is not a feeling. One of my new favorite songs came from the movie. It's called "Love Is Not A Fight" by Warren Barfield. You can google the lyrics and play it on Jango. But here's a clip...
"If we try to leave,
May God send angels to guard the door.
Love is not a fight
But it's something worth fighting for."

Please feel free to email me privately if you would like The Love Dare, to talk about the book or movie, or just to swap stories. I will pray for you and your marriage.

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Permalink Reply by Heather on May 8, 2009 at 10:34pm

Hi, again, Amanda!

I forgot to mention something else that has been very helpful. I joined a program called "Marriage 911 Flight Plans". It's $7.50 a month and youget links every other week to talks, cheat sheets and love journal assignments. In these talks, she talks to you like a best friend would. She is kind and loving and tells it like it is. You can save everything on your computer to check out at your convenience. I have been doing it for a couple of months now and have learned a lot.

This program is not just for those whose marriages are hurting. Please email me privately for details about this series.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 9, 2009 at 8:07pm

Thank all of you ladies for your prayers and advice.

We have both seen the movie Fireproof twice. My husband is a volunteer fire fighter so he was all for going, and actually enjoyed the movie. We bought the Love Dare book a few months ago but haven't gotten around to doing it because of our schedules. He is up and leaving at 5:30 a.m. and doesn't get home til around 5 in the afternoon. I told him that I want to start it and we can read it every night before we go to bed, so hopefully we can do that.

Thank all of you again.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Bevins on May 9, 2009 at 10:42pm

Hi Amanda - my husband and I have been married 26 years (on the 28th of May it will be) and have survived infidelity. Can I give you a few words of wisdom? I am sorry if I sound harsh, or matter-of-fact, but I feel these things are very important.

First, it is SOOOOOOOOO worth hanging on and making it work. I am so incredibly thankful to our Heavenly Father that I didn't do what everyone was telling me to do, and leave him. I absolutely love and adore my husband, I can't imagine life without him. We work from home, side by side, every day, and I never get sick of him. When we're apart for more than a couple of days, we both get very lonely for each other!

Second, you have gotten good advice here, that you have to let the past go. You said you both cheated...does he bring up the past as much as you do? No one likes to be reminded of their past sins, especially if they've asked forgiveness. I struggled with the same thing, believe me, but our marriage was not healed until I finally got over it. What helped me was to realize, that sex is very important to a man. When my husband cheated, he was overseas (in the military) and it was with a prostitute, and probably multiple times (I never wanted all the details.) But he didn't give his heart to these women. It was just a physical release, a need. No, that doesn't justifiy it, and it was a sin and very hurtful and a mistake, but putting it in that box, that it wasn't "love" helped me get past it. Your husband cheated before you got married with another woman. He was still friendly with his ex for a long time...but who is he with? Who is he married to? Don't hold this stuff over his head...make him GLAD he has chosen you over them.

Last, I hear this so much and it reminds me of myself when we were young...you say you want him to be the head of your home (I assume this also means spiritually) and you doubt the sincerity of his belief in the Messiah. Please please please, be thankful for how far he's come and don't stand behind him pushing. Nothing will push a man further away from being the head of the household than his wife reminding him he's not. Stand with him, gently encourage him, listen to him. For 23 years, my husband and I were not on the same page as far as our faith/religion. We now believe the same, and HalleluYah! The last 3 years have been even more awesome than the first 23!

Take care of yourself, but don't get upset when he doesn't take a big interest in your fashions or hairstyles. Thank goodness he's not into that! LOL....That's what your friends are for. Leave the decisions/questions for him to things that WOULD interest him...what type of flooring you should put in which room, what's wrong with the car, you know, manly stuff. ;o)...important, head of household stuff.

Oh yeah, one more thing, like I said, sex is very important to a man. When we treat it as a chore (and if you are pretending you are interested he will know) it becomes very discouraging for him. Men need to be wanted. Melissa gave great advice, just do whatever you need to do to get in the mood. Enjoy yourself! Try to initiate it sometimes yourself, don't always make him ask for it.

Not to confuse more, or go too much into detail, but my husband and I also practice modesty around each other, saving nudity for only the time we make love. We also practice the Biblical family purity laws in the O.T., (seperating during menstruation, not touching, sleeping seperately for a week or more) and both of these things have, believe it or not, increased our love, passion, and desire for each other.... I know...TMI... sorry :o)

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 10, 2009 at 8:35am

Thank you again for all your advice and prayers. You ladies are right, I need to let the past go. He doesn't hold my affair over my head as much as I do his. He brings it up every once in a while, but it's usually after I bring up his. We both commited the same sin, but I guess since I admitted mine to him the day after it happened and asked for his forgiveness. When I finally found about the affair, it was from another friend and when I confronted my husband about it, he never apologized. He got really defensive about it, and only months later did he apologize,but I never felt like it was sincere. Whether it was or not, we are married now and I need to move on. Both of the affairs were 3 years ago, so I'm going to pray and pray and pray some more to Jesus about this and hope that he heals my heart and will allow me to move on.

I also think you ladies are dead on about being intimate. I do treat it like a chore and I know he can tell. It's been a really long time since I did something to whoa him. Right now it's kinda hard with a big ol' belly in my way lol, but maybe I can come up with something and I'll plan something really big for after the baby is born. Our anniversary is 10 days before my due date, so maybe after the baby is born and after I get the go ahead from the doc we can get away for a weekend and have our anniversary and I'll plan something really nice.

I'm going to try to be thankful for how far he's come and try not to nag him. I do want to be an encouragement to him, and his best friend, and hopefully I can get the same in return.

Thank you ladies again. You have all given me a new perspective on all of this!

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Permalink Reply by Kayla on June 3, 2009 at 1:10am

I can definitely relate to your plight. I think the ladies on here have done an excellent job with advice. The only thing I wish to add has to do with your issues with letting the past go. I have struggled deeply with this exact thing, so I understand how difficult it is. However, I have made a promise to myself that each time I wish to indulge in painful thoughts or memories I will stop myself and do a few other things instead.

First, I immediately rebuke the thoughts. I rebuke satan and his tricks to burden my mind.

Second, I recite the "Serenity Prayer" that I heard when I was young.
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I also pray my own little custom prayer in Jesus' name.

Next, I will recite whatever Biblical verse touches my heart or that I have been working on memorizing.

Sometimes I have to repeat this process numerous times. However, I have found that when I truly put this method to work and stick with it I feel so relieved. It may take some time, but it's always worth a shot.

I will definitely be praying for you, your husband, and your situation.

Amanda said:

Thank you again for all your advice and prayers. You ladies are right, I need to let the past go. He doesn't hold my affair over my head as much as I do his. He brings it up every once in a while, but it's usually after I bring up his. We both commited the same sin, but I guess since I admitted mine to him the day after it happened and asked for his forgiveness. When I finally found about the affair, it was from another friend and when I confronted my husband about it, he never apologized. He got really defensive about it, and only months later did he apologize,but I never felt like it was sincere. Whether it was or not, we are married now and I need to move on. Both of the affairs were 3 years ago, so I'm going to pray and pray and pray some more to Jesus about this and hope that he heals my heart and will allow me to move on.

I also think you ladies are dead on about being intimate. I do treat it like a chore and I know he can tell. It's been a really long time since I did something to whoa him. Right now it's kinda hard with a big ol' belly in my way lol, but maybe I can come up with something and I'll plan something really big for after the baby is born. Our anniversary is 10 days before my due date, so maybe after the baby is born and after I get the go ahead from the doc we can get away for a weekend and have our anniversary and I'll plan something really nice.

I'm going to try to be thankful for how far he's come and try not to nag him. I do want to be an encouragement to him, and his best friend, and hopefully I can get the same in return.

Thank you ladies again. You have all given me a new perspective on all of this!

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Permalink Reply by Gustavo Blomeier Mancera on August 22, 2009 at 12:48am

HI AMANDA!!!

THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS LOVE AND POWER...THERES NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. AND BELIEVE HIM THAT HE LOVES YOU.

GOD WILL DO THE 99.99% PART OF THE REQUEST, THE DIFFICULT PART, AND YOU JUST DO YOUR .01% PART OF BELIEVING...JUST BELIEVE AND WAIT FOR THE BEAUTIFUL ANSWER.

REMEMBER...AL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE FOR HIM THAT BELIEVES!

JESUS FRECUENTLY ASKED BEFORE MAKING A MIRACLE...¿DO YOU BELIEVE I CAN?
PLEASE PRAY AND BELIEVE....ITS THE KEY.

GOD BLESS YOU FAR MORE THAN YOU CAN THINK OR UNDERSTAND!

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Permalink Reply by Olivia on September 6, 2009 at 2:57pm

All of the book suggestions are great, but there are 2 missing--Every Man's Battle (if you can get him to read it) and more importantly for you Every Heart Restored. Both are full of hard truths, but good to read!

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